Tonsillectomies and Weight Loss

Hello, there~!

So, today is my third day of recovery from my tonsillectomy.

I really did think that I would be okay after a couple of days, but it turns out that I am looking at another seven to nine days of taking it easy. Today, at six, I found out that today will be one of those days where I will be experiencing nausea. I had not experienced any the two days previous to today, but, gosh, I am so glad that I was given anti-nausea pills. This kind of nausea acts quickly and is sort of disabling when I am half awake, just taken some pain medication and have not been eating very much since the surgery.

Which brings me to the eating-portion of this whole scene. I don't feel hungry. But more than not feeling hungry, I don't mind not feeling hungry and am not thinking about food/weight/body as much. I'm much more focused on just resting and doing what is necessary for my body. How lovely! And here is some more important news-- I'm not excited about this because it feels so normal. There is no need to get super enthused about it because this is how it is supposed to be like: listening to my body, eating when my body wants to eat, leaving thoughts of food at the table when I'm done being hungry.

Oh, gosh. I'm staring to feel a little dizzy. I need to take a shower and then go back to bed.

Before I do so, a few more things. I noticed that I have been dropping body mass like crazy. This means that, because my diet for the past three days has been water, juice, apple sauce, and sparkling water, that a lot of my excess body mass has been from water retention. I cannot keep eating out. The sodium is way too much. I bet my little heart has been working pretty hard considering the ratio of sodium to water in my body. Also, my poor brain! I must have been dehydrating my brain terribly.

I have also found that I need to steer clear of dairy. I've gone back and forth between thinking that it is okay for me to consume dairy to completely eliminating it from my diet. I always forget how much better I feel without it in my diet. Margaret suggests goats milk and goat cheese because it is softer on one's body than cow's dairy. Lessen learned! :)

Finally, I have been reading a great little book called "Change Your Brain, Change Your Body". I initially picked it up because I believe that the changes that will allow me to act differently within stressful situations and around food will come from my head not from outside influences (i.e. whether there is ice cream, cookies, chips, etcetera around me).

The book talks about other things that have been worrying me, also. Such as reduced ability to remember things and severe stress that is difficult to control. My inability to remember things as well has been a little worrisome to me. It's been going on for a few years now- sometimes getting better and sometimes being so bad that I have considered talking to a doctor about it.

The book is talking about how to get a better body through improved brain health. I like this concept. I fully believe that the only way to move past difficulty with overeating, compulsive eating, stress eating, etcetera, is by taking better care of oneself. Love will change things. And I know from experience that anythings else-- especially force (i.e. dieting, restricting, self-loathing, etcetera)-- results in emotional rebellion and more problems. I am on my side, and I want to know that on a molecular level.

This book says that something that can boost one's own happiness in as little as two weeks is by writing five things to be grateful for each day. Only two weeks! I'm up for that!

1. I am grateful for the internet.

2. I am grateful for my ability to love unconditionally.

3. I am grateful for those who do not speak to me anymore.

4. I am grateful for all of my wonderful friends and family members.

5. I am grateful for cats.

Off to shawa- wo abimasu!

-Kat

I will not eat over my emotions today. I will not eat or distract from my emotions today. I will feel things without distracting myself. I am worth discomfort.

Anxiety and boys

While writing my last post, I realized that one reason why I am so confused and bothered by getting attention from boys is that I don't find myself attractive.

This isn't because I have excess fat on my body-- well, it has to do with that, but that's not all. I don't think I am attractive because I see from my excess weight that I am unhappy. I see that I need to be working on things; that I need to be changing and understanding myself better. Excess weight comes from me eating when I am not hungry. It is my physical signal to myself and others that I am deeply unhappy with somethings.

Getting attention from boys is bizarre. Am I really attractive to you even though I am having a hard time not placing all of my worries under the umbrella of food/weight-related issues? What is attractive about that?

Furthermore, how can boys touch or kiss me when I am like this? It's frightening. It says to me that my proof of things that are yet to be dealt with is not enough. People cannot see it well enough. I can't gain more weight because I'm scared of it. And, yet, it's not enough. The excess weight plan is a failure. It's time for me to drop it and cut the funding. But, then, where does this leave me? A person who eats when she is hungry and stops when she is full; a person who loses weight quickly when she is dealing directly with her emotions-- surely this person doesn't have people who are concerned for her or will take her desperation seriously.

Also, how I find something as efficient as food that will help me when I want to leave myself? What is there? What is there for me that I can access at any moment?

I think this means that I need to take out my DBT book and look at coping skills.

-Kat

Self-care? What are you THINKING of? Part Two

The first part of this post was done via text messaging. However, my post was 6 pages in text messaging form and turned into six different posts on this blog (I fixed it).

So, the correlation between self-care and my eating is that when I eat normally I get negative consequences and when I take care of myself I get negative consequences, too. When I tried to leave my Mother's house because I was purging every time I was around her, I was told by my Mother and my Brother that I was abandoning my Mother. I was explained to that I was horribly imposing on her my absence and that I was only thinking of myself. The response I have to that situation now, thankfully, is "good for me for trying to only think of myself!" I was having passive suicide ("passive" meaning I wish something bad would happen that would take my life away rather than "active"[using a blade, rope, etcetera]) thoughts daily at the time that I needed to leave her house. When I was around her I was not only not good enough for her to stop saying things that hurt me, but I was also not in enough pain for her to take my pain seriously enough for her to change. It didn't matter that I had binged enough to gain all the weight back that I had lost or that I was caught taking dangerous dieting pills. And, in the end, it didn't even matter to her that I was purging-- she wouldn't stop saying those hurtful things.

When I try to eat only when I am hungry, I get a series of uncomfortable reactions. One is that because I have been trained to not listen to myself too much I just am not used to doing so on a regular basis. Waiting for myself, listening to myself to figure out when I am ready to eat is so disconcerting sometimes. It feels dangerous. It means that I am abandoning my mother and becoming a "self-centered bitch". It means that I am not thinking that I need to bring home food to my Mother when I go out with my Dad when I am 13 years old. It means that I am not only thinking too much about myself, but I am not thinking about other people at all either. I am becoming a bitchy, unfeeling, selfish and self-centered, abandoning daughter when I take care of myself.

Another response I have is that I feel the things that I have been eating over. So many, many things. Things that I do not yet understand and things that I have known of for a long time and I am still trying to work through. It hurts and is scary sometimes. I don't know who to talk to about it. I have sensations deep within me that there is something inherently wrong with me. I want to dispose of myself; disappear; regenerate into something or someone worthwhile. Who do I tell this to? Myself? If I cannot trust myself to be a reliable and good and worthy person, how could I possibly find solitude in sitting with myself with this anxiety?

Eating only when I am hungry also means that I may not be able to see my Dad as often. All my Papa wants to do is go out to eat, it seems. If I don't want to go out to eat, does that mean that I am not wanted as company at all?

Another uncomforting aspect of only eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am satisfied is that I will lose weight. I will get more attention from boys that I already don't want. I will also lose my physical evidence (my excess fat) of my emotional turmoil. My Papa said that during the summer I looked so pretty and happy and he was really relieved to see it. Gosh, does that mean that I am not going to be paid attention to when I feel like I am going to fall apart? Will my self-hatred be less evident?

Perhaps not everyone sees my body shape as the representation of my anxiety and upset the way that I do. It's hard for me to not see my body that way. I see my excess body fat-- the 165/170 pounds on my small frame; the size-nine-panted-body that used to comfortably wear a size five-- as a distress signal. I accumulated my excess weight through months of excess eating; of not feeling able to be within myself; of hating myself and loving the world and disbelieving that I belong at all in someplace so wonderful. I took the anger that I felt for other's actions and swallowed it with poptarts, ice cream, and microwaved cheese sandwiches. So, isn't it obvious to other people that this is why I look like I do? This is what I see when I look in the mirror. It isn't admirable. There is something wrong. I am my physical representation of that wrong something. Look at me.

And here is my terror of this realization: it is not working. The excess weight just serves to attract boys who like "hearty" girls. It isn't showing my family that I am sometimes out-of-my-mind with grief and unhappiness and self-hatred and anxiety. They don't see it. The fact that I gained so much weight in such little time didn't send off any alarm bells in their heads that I was frightened, didn't know how to ask for help, and desperately needed more time with people. They saw me gain weight, but that was it. They saw me become panicked about it, but all they said was that I was beautiful the way I am. I'm NOT, though. Anxiety, hate, and fake "don't worry! I'm fine. We'll talk some other time, I understand you're busy"s are packed in accumulations of 3,500 calories around my thighs and stomach and back and arms and legs and chest and face. But they cannot see this.

So, here is one of the things that I am taking away from this: I will only eat when I am hungry. It isn't working to emotionally eat as people cannot see my upset through my weight, people don't give me extra attention that I crave, the problems I eat over are still there, and I don't actually stop feeling all of the negative emotions anymore (I am at least half-aware of my emotional eating so it doesn't fully distract me).

Also, I will take care of myself. Even if this means that I will be faced with consequences that I don't like, I am worth the trouble. There is no consequence that is worth compromising my self-respect or taking care of myself. Albeit any kind of anxiety or upset, I am worth the trouble.

It just is not working.

Love,

-Kat

Self-care? What are you THINKING of? Part One

Today i was going to go to a movie by myself. It was going to be okay. There was something that was bothering me, though, and i kept eating at the movie theater while i was waiting for the movie to start.
I realized today that there is a correlation between my eating and my emotional behavior. Of course, there are many of these. I am happy to be figuring them out.:)
The one i recognized today was about my ongoing learning about taking care of myself. When i take care of myself- stand up for myself, eat only when i am hungry, not put up with behaviors of people- i get negative consequences. I am told that i'm not being nice and i am told that i am a self-centered person when i stick up for myself. When i eat only when i am hungry a lot of things happen.

I will put this in my next post.
Love,
-Kat

gyabo. super-uncapitalized-gyabo.

Hello, again.

二分のひさしぶり。

I want to say this. EVERYTIME I don't get a text back from Aaron,

I want to tell him, not text but call and tell him with my voice:

"If you aren't really interested in me, don't humour me. Don't text me.

Don't talk to me. Don't tell me that you miss me. Don't do it. Don't

waste your time and energy. I will just feel badly for you. Don't make me

feel like I need to feel badly for you when you spend energy on me.

So, don't do it. Don't talk to me, tell me you miss me, text me, or

spend anytime at all with me if you are only doing it with half a heart

or only with pity."

It just hurts too much. I feel like I am burning with humiliation when I

say "dear" and "sweetheart". Those words I use, does he read them when they show up on his cellphone screen? Does he hate me for them? I can't tell, because he never responds with the same kind of affection. No. He is less than affectionate towards me. And it hurts.

He is less than attentive when I want to talk to him and spend time with him. And it hurts.

I dislike that I feel like this defines me. Like his reactions to me define me. It is self-abusive, ne?

It's been an hour since I said I would take a shower and go to bed.

So, here I go.

Tomorrow (today), I have a therapy session. Thank goodness.

-Kat

Oh gosh, how many times can I say "Oh gosh" in one post?

Like a tide scrambling onto a shore
the things oppressed by miles and time are arriving
and each receding combination of nature and gravity
only enforces the impact of the preceding effort

This is my post on facebook today. I feel as if these words are falling

towards me more and more often.

Today, 2:22 AM, I am writing on my blog. I just spoke to my Rinapin on facebook.

I am listening to Deathcab. I am being filled with this intense sense of anxiety and

loneliness. I crave love. Not just friendship or family love. I am craving love from

a person whom I am attracted to. I've been in love once and, gosh, how I want it

again. To be in love with someone who is in love with me is such an incredible

concept to me. And I am impatient. I want it now.

Hahahaha! Perhaps the intensity of this has to do with the fact that I am listening to

"Transatlanticism". All of the songs by Deathcab sift and pour inspiration for being in

love with somebody into my heart whenever I listen to them. It's such

soft, sweet, kind, and forgiving music. Oh the sentimentalism is setting in! Hahahahaha! I'm so silly.

Oh, gosh, I am I am.

I really wonder what I am to Aaron (of course, I do, while I am thinking about love, relationships, loneliness, and sentimentalism. Hahaha!).

Apparently we are definitely "monogamously casually dating". But I have no idea what that means. Does that mean that he likes me? I can't trust that unless he says so. I like him. But, gosh, how can I say that to someone who I am not even sure enjoys spending time with me?

I want to text him. "Are you still awake?" I want to ask him "Do you want to go on a walk with me?"

The answer to the latter would be a definite "no".

I want to walk with you. Did you know that? Did you know that I would want to take a walk with you

even if it was super cold like it is right now? I would and I do. But this environment, the one where I

know for certain that you will say "no" because of temperature, feels so lonely.

Ne, not eating over emotion is so painful. I'm feeling things. And it is hurting. Oh gosh, I'm so proud of myself.

It hurts and I can feel just how much it hurts. I'm not stopping it.

I just texted Aaron. If he doesn't answer, it is certainly okay. I hope he is asleep, actually. The point is more to just do

what I feel I need to-- to reach out when I am upset even if I know that I may not get a response-- in order to prove to myself

that I love myself. I feel sick with anxiety and hurt. And, gosh darn it, I'm feeling it all.

Maybe I'll take a shower and try to sleep.

Ohhhhhh, crying. Oh the pain. Oh the extreme loneliness and sadness. Yet, I know this is good. I'm not hiding myself right now.

This is good. I'm being more honest lately than I have been able to be in quite a while. Hey, Aaron, I wonder how you will feel about me when you find that I feel things so much. Will you reject me?

Ben Gibbard, in the song "President of What?", just sang "nothing hurts like nothing at all". It's true. It's been building up inside me as I try to tear my gaze away from my anxiety and self-hatred and I focus on the things that are zettai kankenai with what I am trying to change within myself.

Okay, enough. I need to sleep. I need to rest. This is a lot for me.

Oh the love,

-Kat

新年

Omedetou!

Today, the first of the new year, I am able to wake up in the comfort of Momo's family's home. I have spent the past two days eating all things sweet. I don't usually like to think of the New Year as an excuse to finally change oneself, but this year I would like to welcome all of the good things that people are working on, thinking about, and believing in to help me as I'm sure it is helping them.

I realized yesterday that the underwear I have continued to wear is too tight for me right now. I have gained too much weight to fit them properly for the moment and wearing them hurts. This is part of me not accepting myself as I am at any moment; thin, overweight, happy, uncomfortable, angry, lonely-- I use so many things to gage whether or not I am worth accepting and loving.

Rayna said that one needs to "start loving themselves first. Then it gets easier." I want to dive into this. No, I will dive into this. I must be more attentive to myself. When I want to eat and I am not hungry I need to stop and ask myself what it is that is going on inside me. Today will be a great first day for this.

From my last therapy session, I have been thinking of what is it that is keeping me from going through with taking a leap and working full-force toward feeling things rather than eating over them. The fact that I believe that it is a leap that I must take probably has soqmething to do with it. Afterall, it is not really a leap. It is a necessity. Taking care of myself-- no matter the negative consequences I may encounter-- is the priority in my life. Since this priority is put on the back burner several times each day, I need to become vigilant of my actions.

Why are you eating to the point of feeling sick, Kat? Why is it that you are so resistant to feeling feelings, Kat? Are you doing alright, dear? What is it that we can do together that will change how we are feeling and acting?

I am careful to put "together" here after mentioning "we". My Papa has this habit of saying things like "let's do dadadadada..." or "let's try to dadadadada.." But what he means most of the time is "you should do dadadada..." and "you should try to dadadadada.." I feel so alone when he says that. It's as if, by vocals, he is excluding me. Or, rather, excusing himself from whatever process he is talking about.

I need to go and help makes crepes with Momo and Rayna.

More soon.
-Kat