gyabo. super-uncapitalized-gyabo.

Hello, again.

二分のひさしぶり。

I want to say this. EVERYTIME I don't get a text back from Aaron,

I want to tell him, not text but call and tell him with my voice:

"If you aren't really interested in me, don't humour me. Don't text me.

Don't talk to me. Don't tell me that you miss me. Don't do it. Don't

waste your time and energy. I will just feel badly for you. Don't make me

feel like I need to feel badly for you when you spend energy on me.

So, don't do it. Don't talk to me, tell me you miss me, text me, or

spend anytime at all with me if you are only doing it with half a heart

or only with pity."

It just hurts too much. I feel like I am burning with humiliation when I

say "dear" and "sweetheart". Those words I use, does he read them when they show up on his cellphone screen? Does he hate me for them? I can't tell, because he never responds with the same kind of affection. No. He is less than affectionate towards me. And it hurts.

He is less than attentive when I want to talk to him and spend time with him. And it hurts.

I dislike that I feel like this defines me. Like his reactions to me define me. It is self-abusive, ne?

It's been an hour since I said I would take a shower and go to bed.

So, here I go.

Tomorrow (today), I have a therapy session. Thank goodness.

-Kat