I will not eat over my emotions today. I will not eat or distract from my emotions today. I will feel things without distracting myself. I am worth discomfort.

Anxiety and boys

While writing my last post, I realized that one reason why I am so confused and bothered by getting attention from boys is that I don't find myself attractive.

This isn't because I have excess fat on my body-- well, it has to do with that, but that's not all. I don't think I am attractive because I see from my excess weight that I am unhappy. I see that I need to be working on things; that I need to be changing and understanding myself better. Excess weight comes from me eating when I am not hungry. It is my physical signal to myself and others that I am deeply unhappy with somethings.

Getting attention from boys is bizarre. Am I really attractive to you even though I am having a hard time not placing all of my worries under the umbrella of food/weight-related issues? What is attractive about that?

Furthermore, how can boys touch or kiss me when I am like this? It's frightening. It says to me that my proof of things that are yet to be dealt with is not enough. People cannot see it well enough. I can't gain more weight because I'm scared of it. And, yet, it's not enough. The excess weight plan is a failure. It's time for me to drop it and cut the funding. But, then, where does this leave me? A person who eats when she is hungry and stops when she is full; a person who loses weight quickly when she is dealing directly with her emotions-- surely this person doesn't have people who are concerned for her or will take her desperation seriously.

Also, how I find something as efficient as food that will help me when I want to leave myself? What is there? What is there for me that I can access at any moment?

I think this means that I need to take out my DBT book and look at coping skills.

-Kat