gyabo. super-uncapitalized-gyabo.

Hello, again.

二分のひさしぶり。

I want to say this. EVERYTIME I don't get a text back from Aaron,

I want to tell him, not text but call and tell him with my voice:

"If you aren't really interested in me, don't humour me. Don't text me.

Don't talk to me. Don't tell me that you miss me. Don't do it. Don't

waste your time and energy. I will just feel badly for you. Don't make me

feel like I need to feel badly for you when you spend energy on me.

So, don't do it. Don't talk to me, tell me you miss me, text me, or

spend anytime at all with me if you are only doing it with half a heart

or only with pity."

It just hurts too much. I feel like I am burning with humiliation when I

say "dear" and "sweetheart". Those words I use, does he read them when they show up on his cellphone screen? Does he hate me for them? I can't tell, because he never responds with the same kind of affection. No. He is less than affectionate towards me. And it hurts.

He is less than attentive when I want to talk to him and spend time with him. And it hurts.

I dislike that I feel like this defines me. Like his reactions to me define me. It is self-abusive, ne?

It's been an hour since I said I would take a shower and go to bed.

So, here I go.

Tomorrow (today), I have a therapy session. Thank goodness.

-Kat

Oh gosh, how many times can I say "Oh gosh" in one post?

Like a tide scrambling onto a shore
the things oppressed by miles and time are arriving
and each receding combination of nature and gravity
only enforces the impact of the preceding effort

This is my post on facebook today. I feel as if these words are falling

towards me more and more often.

Today, 2:22 AM, I am writing on my blog. I just spoke to my Rinapin on facebook.

I am listening to Deathcab. I am being filled with this intense sense of anxiety and

loneliness. I crave love. Not just friendship or family love. I am craving love from

a person whom I am attracted to. I've been in love once and, gosh, how I want it

again. To be in love with someone who is in love with me is such an incredible

concept to me. And I am impatient. I want it now.

Hahahaha! Perhaps the intensity of this has to do with the fact that I am listening to

"Transatlanticism". All of the songs by Deathcab sift and pour inspiration for being in

love with somebody into my heart whenever I listen to them. It's such

soft, sweet, kind, and forgiving music. Oh the sentimentalism is setting in! Hahahahaha! I'm so silly.

Oh, gosh, I am I am.

I really wonder what I am to Aaron (of course, I do, while I am thinking about love, relationships, loneliness, and sentimentalism. Hahaha!).

Apparently we are definitely "monogamously casually dating". But I have no idea what that means. Does that mean that he likes me? I can't trust that unless he says so. I like him. But, gosh, how can I say that to someone who I am not even sure enjoys spending time with me?

I want to text him. "Are you still awake?" I want to ask him "Do you want to go on a walk with me?"

The answer to the latter would be a definite "no".

I want to walk with you. Did you know that? Did you know that I would want to take a walk with you

even if it was super cold like it is right now? I would and I do. But this environment, the one where I

know for certain that you will say "no" because of temperature, feels so lonely.

Ne, not eating over emotion is so painful. I'm feeling things. And it is hurting. Oh gosh, I'm so proud of myself.

It hurts and I can feel just how much it hurts. I'm not stopping it.

I just texted Aaron. If he doesn't answer, it is certainly okay. I hope he is asleep, actually. The point is more to just do

what I feel I need to-- to reach out when I am upset even if I know that I may not get a response-- in order to prove to myself

that I love myself. I feel sick with anxiety and hurt. And, gosh darn it, I'm feeling it all.

Maybe I'll take a shower and try to sleep.

Ohhhhhh, crying. Oh the pain. Oh the extreme loneliness and sadness. Yet, I know this is good. I'm not hiding myself right now.

This is good. I'm being more honest lately than I have been able to be in quite a while. Hey, Aaron, I wonder how you will feel about me when you find that I feel things so much. Will you reject me?

Ben Gibbard, in the song "President of What?", just sang "nothing hurts like nothing at all". It's true. It's been building up inside me as I try to tear my gaze away from my anxiety and self-hatred and I focus on the things that are zettai kankenai with what I am trying to change within myself.

Okay, enough. I need to sleep. I need to rest. This is a lot for me.

Oh the love,

-Kat