新年

Omedetou!

Today, the first of the new year, I am able to wake up in the comfort of Momo's family's home. I have spent the past two days eating all things sweet. I don't usually like to think of the New Year as an excuse to finally change oneself, but this year I would like to welcome all of the good things that people are working on, thinking about, and believing in to help me as I'm sure it is helping them.

I realized yesterday that the underwear I have continued to wear is too tight for me right now. I have gained too much weight to fit them properly for the moment and wearing them hurts. This is part of me not accepting myself as I am at any moment; thin, overweight, happy, uncomfortable, angry, lonely-- I use so many things to gage whether or not I am worth accepting and loving.

Rayna said that one needs to "start loving themselves first. Then it gets easier." I want to dive into this. No, I will dive into this. I must be more attentive to myself. When I want to eat and I am not hungry I need to stop and ask myself what it is that is going on inside me. Today will be a great first day for this.

From my last therapy session, I have been thinking of what is it that is keeping me from going through with taking a leap and working full-force toward feeling things rather than eating over them. The fact that I believe that it is a leap that I must take probably has soqmething to do with it. Afterall, it is not really a leap. It is a necessity. Taking care of myself-- no matter the negative consequences I may encounter-- is the priority in my life. Since this priority is put on the back burner several times each day, I need to become vigilant of my actions.

Why are you eating to the point of feeling sick, Kat? Why is it that you are so resistant to feeling feelings, Kat? Are you doing alright, dear? What is it that we can do together that will change how we are feeling and acting?

I am careful to put "together" here after mentioning "we". My Papa has this habit of saying things like "let's do dadadadada..." or "let's try to dadadadada.." But what he means most of the time is "you should do dadadada..." and "you should try to dadadadada.." I feel so alone when he says that. It's as if, by vocals, he is excluding me. Or, rather, excusing himself from whatever process he is talking about.

I need to go and help makes crepes with Momo and Rayna.

More soon.
-Kat