Lost-- not the TV show

This is the time of "day" when I feel like I'm falling apart.

The house is making house-noises, the cat is ruining my property, and I am more alone than I am when I'm around other people.

Days feel like years. Summer in the morning, Fall during the bulk of the day, Winter between getting home and getting ready to sleep, Spring as I lay awake.

I say Spring for when I lay awake because all my mind's flood-gates open and, suddenly, I have so much clarity for how I am supposed to act during the day. It all "wakes up" in the "Spring".

I feel trapped in a loop of the same day. Like one of those Twilight Zone-esque movies where the main character wakes up to a newspaper with the same date; day after day after day.

During the day my mind is so genki, even if my heart is not. "How are you, Kat?" "I'm good, thank you!" How do I manage to answer like that without hesitation?

And everyday--during the day-- I am missing my chances to be truthful.

"My life feels like a mess. A brain that seems to malfunction; unable to manage stress and unable to understand how to manage stress or learn how to. A heart that is easily shaken and confidence with such a lack of solid footing that breathing makes it slip, skid, and tumble.

I want to be with someone I have liked for so long but I can't even manage to be with myself. I have fantasies of being alone, away from even myself. So alone that I'll never be able to find me. And then I realize that is probably exactly where I am: So far away from myself that I cannot even locate who I am.

Probably, this feeling is why food is such a fast substitute for dealing with emotions.

Something I can touch and physically interact with is so much less daunting than the

bleak and confusing mess that is my internal self.

Kamisama, please let this be what youth is. Please let me grow out of this and become the capable and reliable person I know I can be.

I feel irresponsible writing this. Like I am admitting more than anyone should know. It's not a big secret. I'm not a happy person right now. I don't remember being a happy person for more than a month at a time.

I'll tell you my image: A girl forever unable to stop eating long enough to understand herself. A person unfitting for the niceness around her. Someone who hates herself so much that when she is comfortable she feels panicked with anxiety of how wrong it is. Someone who sabotages what is good for her and traps herself to the most disgusting term she can summon. I am a fat girl. Someone who eats a disgusting amount of food and is likewise disgustingly and annoyingly ashamed of herself. Someone who puts energy and effort into being exactly where she doesn't want to be.

I have never met anyone as obese as I feel. The stigma attached to the word "fat" holds so much more than a surplus of saved energy on a body-- it is unattractiveness at it's most pungent and apparent.

I am trapped within this person. Each day, among different events and different wonderful people, is the repeating "newspaper with the same date" of a fat, hideous, annoying, and unlovable girl. I'm drowning within this obese person and yet there isn't even anything substantial enough to drown in.